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Tell us a joke

Posted: Fri May 01, 2015 1:47 pm
by the925life
Q: How do you titillate an ocelot?









A: Oscillate its tit a lot.

Re: Tell us a joke

Posted: Tue May 05, 2015 11:16 pm
by ridurall
Gunsmith walks into a bar and sees a jar of money sitting on the counter. Curious, he asks the bartender about it. The man replies, "It's a contest we have. Put $20 in the jar, chug a bottle of tequila without puking, then go into the next room and pull the bad tooth from the vicious rottweiler, then go upstairs and fornicate the 105 year old woman. If you can do all those things within an hour you get to keep all the money in the jar." The man thinks about it for a minute and guesses there must be at least $1000 in the jar, so he says "fornicate it" and puts in his $20. He chugs the tequila within 20 minutes and stumbles drunkenly into the room with the dog. Screaming, snarling, whimpering, barking, and other horrible noises can be heard from the room. The man stumbles back out, bloodied and with his clothes in tatters, and says, "Alright, now where's that woman with the bad tooth?"

Re: Tell us a joke

Posted: Tue May 05, 2015 11:20 pm
by ridurall
---- On Tue, 05 May 2015 10:16:13 -0700 Ron Durall<ridurall@swoi.net> wrote ----
ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW
DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS
FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME,
DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH
SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE
SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH
THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY
LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

H. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH
PRIDE.

"WHEN DID Y OU GRADUATE?" I ASK ED.

HE ANSWERED "IN 1959.WHY DO YOU ASK?"

"YOU AVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING,
'SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL.. YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE
WAITING AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD
ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.
"YES
WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD,
WRINKLED, FAT ASS, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT
SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED

"WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"

Re: Tell us a joke

Posted: Wed May 06, 2015 12:49 am
by the925life
World's longest joke. Pour a cup of coffee and enjoy.

http://natethesnake.com

Re: Tell us a joke

Posted: Wed May 06, 2015 1:00 am
by the925life
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Re: Tell us a joke

Posted: Wed May 06, 2015 1:02 am
by the925life
Seven dwarves sitting in a bath all feeling happy. Happy got out so they all started feeling grumpy.

What was FDR before his presidency?
Mobile.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are standing together watching an excellent street juggling performance. The juggler notices the men have a very poor view so he stands on a stool and calls out "Can you see me now?"

They reply, "Yes", "Oui", "Si", "Ja".

Re: Tell us a joke

Posted: Wed May 06, 2015 5:02 am
by Pickwick
This dog is walking through the woods, when he comes upon a long line of dogs….the line is so long he can't see the front of it. Since there are no other dogs around, he gets in line behind the last dog. He waits and waits and nothing happens. He is getting tired and irritated, so he nudges the dog in front of him and says, "Ain't this a bitch." The dog replies, "It better be. I been standing' in this damn line for two hours."

Re: Tell us a joke

Posted: Wed May 06, 2015 1:35 pm
by the925life
William Shakespeare and Francis Bacon die at the same time and go to heaven. When they get to the pearly gates, God is there awaiting their arrival.

"William Shakespeare! Francis Bacon! What an honor it is to have you!"

Shakespeare and Bacon graciously acknowledge God's welcoming praise with a nod.

Then God says, "I've got a problem though.. I only have room in heaven for one more writer."

Shakespeare and Bacon look at each other in disbelief.

"What do you mean you only have room for one more writer?!" Bacon exclaims.

God holds up his hands and says, "Okay, okay, here's what we'll do: You have five minutes to write a poem for me, using the word Timbuktu. Whoever writes the best poem will get to stay in heaven."

They agree that this would be fair, each of them claiming that they would of course win the contest.

God returns five minutes later, and says, "Ok boys, time's up." The writers look at God with confidence that they have written the best poem.

"Bacon," God motions to him, "let's hear what you wrote."

Bacon begins,
"While traveling in a foreign land,
I passed a caravan o'er Sahara sands.
Camels gliding two by two,
Toward the land of Timbuktu."

God is floored, and says, "Francis Bacon, that was beautiful! I could picture everything so vividly; I could see the oasis in the distance, I could feel the heat of the desert! Well, Shakespeare, do you think you can compete with that?"

"Of course I can, I'm William Shakespeare!" he confidently boasts. He begins:

"Tim and I a-bucking went,
We passed some maidens in a tent.
Well they were three,
And we were two,
So I bucked one,
And Timbuktu!"

Re: Tell us a joke

Posted: Wed May 06, 2015 1:38 pm
by Pickwick
Aw, Man, is that awful or what!

Re: Tell us a joke

Posted: Wed May 06, 2015 1:42 pm
by Pickwick
There once was a fairy named Croom
Who took a lesbian up to his room.
They argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what and with which and to whom.

A pretty young nun named Sapphire
Was once overcome with desire.
She said, "I know it's a sin,
But, now that it's in,
Could you push it up a little bit higher."

Re: Tell us a joke

Posted: Wed May 06, 2015 2:46 pm
by Eric_in_FL
What do Crocs and having your dick sucked by a dude have in common?




They both feel great 'til you look down and realize you're gay.

Re: Tell us a joke

Posted: Wed May 06, 2015 3:38 pm
by Pickwick
Eric_in_FL wrote:What do Crocs and having your dick sucked by a dude have in common?




They both feel great 'til you look down and realize you're gay.


:lol: :lol: :lol:

Re: Tell us a joke

Posted: Wed May 06, 2015 3:40 pm
by Pickwick
Now, see, you can't have fun like this over on that other forum. There are some good folks over there that I wish would come over here.

Re: Tell us a joke

Posted: Wed May 06, 2015 3:55 pm
by Pickwick
Do you know the difference between slaves and snow tires?

Snow tires don't sing all those great blues when you put the chains on them.

Re: Tell us a joke

Posted: Wed May 06, 2015 7:56 pm
by yankeejib
Pickwick wrote:Now, see, you can't have fun like this over on that other forum. There are some good folks over there that I wish would come over here.


Oh shit! DefensiveCarry homo moderator losers would have donned their leather undies, lubed up, docked you all your (gay/gimp) points, and banned you for life like me. Those fags suck.

Re: Tell us a joke

Posted: Thu May 07, 2015 3:58 am
by Pickwick
yankeejib wrote:
Pickwick wrote:Now, see, you can't have fun like this over on that other forum. There are some good folks over there that I wish would come over here.


Oh shit! DefensiveCarry homo moderator losers would have donned their leather undies, lubed up, docked you all your (gay/gimp) points, and banned you for life like me. Those fags suck.


:lol: :lol: :D

Re: Tell us a joke

Posted: Thu May 07, 2015 6:26 am
by Eric_in_FL
yankeejib wrote:Those fags suck.


Kinda redundant? :P

Re: Tell us a joke

Posted: Thu May 07, 2015 9:41 am
by MisterB
What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?

Well hung

Re: Tell us a joke

Posted: Thu May 07, 2015 10:01 am
by Pickwick
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A Lickalotapus.

Re: Tell us a joke

Posted: Thu May 07, 2015 10:04 am
by Pickwick
This blonde is driving down the road and she sees another blonde sitting in a row boat in the middle of a plowed field.
She stops the car, gets out, and calls to the blonde in the field, "Are you alright?"
Blonde in the field hollers back, "No, can you help me?"
Blonde by car yells back, "No, I can't swim."

Re: Tell us a joke

Posted: Thu May 07, 2015 11:11 am
by ridurall
So you guys got in trouble over there too? I guess we are in good company.

Re: Tell us a joke

Posted: Thu May 07, 2015 1:07 pm
by Pickwick
Hell, I'm banned for life. I got 55 points without even realizing it. Some for inappropriate language, some for getting off topic, some for that video of the Russian holding an AK out the car window at a road rager (that was a biggie…encouraging illegal activity) and, the final straw, somebody posted about those muzzies getting killed in Texas and I wrote, "Two more dead muzzies…ok," and I got this email saying I was banned for life for continued violation of forum rules. Well, just let me say (something I could not say there),"Fuck 'em."

Re: Tell us a joke

Posted: Thu May 07, 2015 3:16 pm
by Pickwick
What is the difference between the KKK and the Supreme Court?

The Supreme Court wears black robes and scares the shit out of white people.

Re: Tell us a joke

Posted: Fri May 08, 2015 4:22 am
by hkguy
did you hear about the two gay Irishmen?

Ryan Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzryan

Re: Tell us a joke

Posted: Fri May 08, 2015 2:35 pm
by yankeejib
ridurall wrote:So you guys got in trouble over there too? I guess we are in good company.


Uhh, yeah. All you have to do is "publicly" disagree with any of their puffy-chest, limp-dick, half-witted, moderators. Effin weak-ass losers. Their annual convention is a cross between Star Wars, Hill Street Blues, and some 10 on one gay motel party. Just my opinion...